


What Would I Do?

by disaster_by_chance



Series: Stony Oneshots [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, But it kinda is, I swear, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Song Based, based on falsettos song, it's angst but then it gets happy, not a fix it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:55:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22081408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disaster_by_chance/pseuds/disaster_by_chance
Summary: Steve Rogers misses Tony Stark.Luckily for him, Tony left behind a message.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: Stony Oneshots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1589476
Kudos: 53





	What Would I Do?

After a long day of wandering around the outside of Tony's cabin, talking, crying, sharing stories, and meeting people, Steve found himself still standing by the lake, all alone while the darkness of night started to creep up on him.

It was cold, but he didn't care too much. He was used to the cold anyway.

Or at least, that's what he's told himself.

He let out a small chuckle, rubbing his arm as he stared down at the lake's surface. He was cold. He often was. But he liked to joke with Tony about not being cold after spending decades in ice.

Tony always seemed to like that little joke.

Steve felt his still red and puffy eyes start to water again, so he quickly lifted up his hand to rub the tears away. 'God...Tony...' he thought quietly, a small sob getting caught in his throat. He began to shake, so he hugged himself tightly to try and refrain from shaking too much, both from the crisp air and the sinking feeling in his gut. It had been days after the battle with Thanos and today had been the funeral for Tony, and even still, Steve couldn't believe that he was gone. That he gave up everything for the world. A world that didn't love him back. A world that didn't know Tony like Steve knew Tony. 

And everything he had said to him in anger, everything he'd done to him in anger, everything, everything, everything. Steve wanted to take it all back. What he wouldn't do to take it all back. 

It wasn't worth it. 

He remembered seeing the enemy turn to dust. He remembered seeing them turn to dust before his eyes, enemies instead of friends and family, like what had happened all those years ago. He remembered that feeling of relief and just pure happiness, they'd won. He remembered that feeling plunging into his stomach the moment he found out how they managed to win. He remembered turning to see Tony on the ground with the gauntlet. He remembered seeing the look on Tony's face as the light started to go from his eyes and his chest. He remembered being paralyzed on the spot. He remembered seeing Pepper and Peter rush to his side. He remembered wanting to cry out, to scream. To run over to him as Pepper had done. He remembered wanting to hold him. To ask him to come back. To yell at him for being so stupid. To ask him why he sacrificed everything for them. To apologize. To apologize. To apologize, again and again, and again. The man out of time had lost his futurist. Steve had lost his home. 

Steve was shaking violently now. Hot, new tears streamed down his face as he held back cries of anguish as he recalled everything that happened the day he...the day that Tony...the day he lost everything. The day they won. The day they lost. 

And if losing Natasha wasn't bad enough. He had to go and lose the other part of him. Both of them made the ultimate sacrifice for the Avengers to win, they were thinking about the team as a whole. Steve wanted to punch himself. He had been so stubborn. Tony's words of 'liar' rattled around his grieving head. When it came down to it, both Natasha and Tony thought about the team. When it came down to it, what did Steve do? He thought about only himself. About Bucky.

And it wasn't worth it.

He lost years of being home. He lost years of being with Tony. And he was never going to get those years back. Tony was gone. He was gone. And there was still so much Steve wanted to say to him. That Steve needed to say to him. But all he could do now was look to the sky and hope Tony was listening somewhere. Listening and shaking his head, saying, "Oh, Cap...You're lucky you're so pretty..." 

Steve didn't hold it back now. He ducked his head and buried his face in his hands, letting the grief wash over him in waves. The tears fell out of his eyes as his broad shoulders shook with every cry, leaving him feeling completely helpless. He felt like doing something stupid. Punching a tree, screaming out, or throwing something large into the lake. But he didn't. He instead stood at the bank of the lake and cried. Sobbed. Steven Grant Rogers was sobbing for Anthony Edward Stark. 

It just hurt. It hurt so much. 

After a good ten minutes of pure sobbing, Steve managed to calm down a bit. His cries had lessened into streams of tears, and his shaking reduced to shivering as he hugged himself tightly, refusing to go into the cabin to warm up. He couldn't face everyone else, no. Not looking and feeling like the mess he was. He couldn't. He wasn't strong enough. So he just stood there, gazing out at the lake, wondering where Tony's reactor had gone. Where Tony had gone. If Tony was with Natasha. If she and he were watching him now. If they were, Steve was sure they were laughing about it. Not a rude laugh, but an amused one. Over how upset Steve was. He thought they'd tell him to get a life and move on. But not him. He couldn't move on. Not from this. 

He looked to the sky and hoped, prayed, that someone was listening. Anyone. Whatever God was out there, he hoped they were listening. He hoped that they felt his pain, that they felt his loss. He hoped they were mourning too. Mourning for Natasha. Mourning for Tony.

Why couldn't it have been him?

Why did it have to be Tony? Tony who deserved the world. Tony who deserved the universe. Tony who finally had the family he always wanted. Tony who struggled with so much, but still cracked jokes. Tony who gave up everything for the Avengers. Tony who took the time to help Steve adapt to the new world. Tony who let all the Avengers stay in his tower when they had nowhere to go. Tony who took in kids who needed his mentoring. Tony who was a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. Tony who was ten times the man anyone could ever hope to be. Tony who...who would make the sacrifice play. Tony who would cut the wire and let the other guy crawl over him. Tony who didn't fight for himself. Tony who fought for others. Because he was a hero. Because he was a legend.

"And now he's gone!" Steve yelled out across the lake. He was sobbing again. "A-and now he's gone.." He hiccuped and squeezed himself so tight it hurt. He went back to crying again, silently crying as he closed his eyes shut and childishly wished Tony back. Childishly wished Natasha back. But it was no use. Even with the time travel, he wasn't sure they could come back. Not when the man who understood the time travel was gone.

Steve couldn't help but smile just a bit as the memory of Tony arriving at the compound resurfaced. How he drove up in his Audi, of course, and teased Steve about their failed time travel attempt. He wiped his eyes as he remembered how Tony gave him back his shield, now fixed from Panther's claws back at the airport. The shield that Steve used to...to...

"I'm so sorry Tony..." Steve whispered, his hand over where Tony's arc reactor would have been.

It wasn't worth it.

His grieving went back to silent tears, his arms now hanging limp at his sides as he anxiously rose up and down on the balls and heels of his feet. Memories of Tony came flooding in.

How Tony and him worked together to fix the broken Helicarrier engine after their 'little' argument in the lab.

Or how after the battle of New York, after Tony went through the portal after Steve realized everything he thought about Tony was wrong, so very wrong, after all that, Tony was hungry and suggested shawarma.

Or when Tony laughed at Steve as he helped him adjust to modern times. Not to make fun of him, but because Tony found it cute that he didn't know how a phone worked or how to drive a car. Tony was never frustrated at Steve whenever he failed to understand something, he'd just laugh it off and shrug saying, "Okay, old man...This is how you do it." And sometimes Steve would mess up on purpose. If only it meant he could see Tony laugh and smile. Tony scrunching up his nose and smiling softly, his eyes crinkling with laughter lines as he shook his head and snorted.

Oh, how Steve wanted to see that face again. That smile again. To hear that laugh or little chuckle again.

Damn, he didn't care. He even wanted to see Tony's stupid smug smirks. Tony's famous eye-rolls or even the voice Tony got when he was being stubborn and snooty about things.

But now Steve knew he didn't ever want to argue with Tony again. Not after the Sokovia accords. Not after Siberia. Not after years of waiting for a call or text from Tony on the flip phone, hoping that maybe they could make things right.

No.

Now he'd do anything Tony wanted.

It wasn't worth it.

But it was worth it. To have had all those years with the genius. No matter how much he would get on Steve's nerves. He was so happy to have had him in his life. He wished he could tell himself that instead of crying so much.

"Heh, what would I do...If I had not met you?" Steve muttered quietly, deciding he'd officially lost it now, talking out to the lake. "Who would I blame my life on...?"

Which was true. Tony was the one who got him back up on his feet. The one who helped him adjust to modern times. The one who helped him come to terms with things. The one who gave him a home. The one who was his home.

He ran a shaky hand through his hair, sighing softly as he recalled something that someone had told him a long, long time ago. "Once I was told that all men get what they deserve..." The hand in his hair stopped and tightened into a ball as he choked back a sob, "Who the hell then threw this curve?"

He felt a pang of anger and guilt at his words. Over the fact that Tony never deserved this. No, Tony deserved the universe and so much more. He deserved to be with Pepper. He deserved to see his little girl grow up into a wonderful, intelligent, and beautiful woman. Tony deserved to retire and live out his life after spending so much of it for others. Tony deserved to have just...lived.

So now he was mad. Mad at the gods, or whoever the hell was in charge of life and death. Clearly, they were biased and stupid. But he'd never know why it had to be Tony. 

"There are no answers but..." He drew another sigh, his shoulder drooping, "...who would I be if you had not been my friend...?" 

He wiped his eyes and folded his arms over his chest. It was finally completely dark outside, the moon and stars just barely visible over the trees of the woods the cabin was surrounded by. Steve gazed out across the lake, his eyes quickly adjusting to the darkness, but his brain refusing to stop overflowing of memories of Tony. Both good and bad.

Anytime they shared a laugh.

Anytime they argued.

Anytime they worked together on the Avengers.

Anytime they said something to each other that wasn't exactly nice, but then to turn around and say nothing but compliment when the other wasn't around. 

Anytime they touched. 

Steve shivered at the thought and let his head drop. He kicked at a rock and heard it plop into the lake and watched as stray tears fell onto the dirt-covered forest floor. "You're the only one..." He muttered, shaking his head, "One out of a thousand others..." Which was true. Tony was certainly one of a kind. Someone who was irreplaceable. And now that he was gone, it left Steve feeling empty. It left an arc reactor sized hole in his heart. And because it was Tony, Steve wasn't sure he was ever going to be the same again. 

He dared himself to look up and out at the lake again, furiously wiping away the tears that continued to fall, "When I'm having fun, you're the one I want to talk to..." He stepped closer to the lake, hoping and wishing he could just see where his reactor was. If it had made its way back, if it had sunk, he wanted to know. He wanted to know where Tony was. "Where have you been?" He asked quietly. "Where are you now?" This question was louder now, more demanding. As if he expected Tony to suddenly appear and tell him that he was okay. That he was safe. That he was finally resting. 

Steve's legs were shaking now, so he dropped to his knees, not caring about how the damp forest floor and lake bank was making his kneecaps cold by getting his pants wet, he was too tired to stand by this point. All he could think about was Tony. Tony. Tony. Tony. 

Tony who liked his coffee straight-up black because it was the best way to keep him up awake at night during long nights in the lab.

Tony who loved his robots and AIs like they were his own children.

Tony who cared deeply for his teammates and others, despite what others might have thought of the genius playboy. 

Tony who's favorite doughnuts were the maple ones and the ones with the red, white, and blue sprinkles. 

Tony who liked cars. Specifically, cars that needed fixing, so that he could stay up and work on them, improving them, fixing them.

Tony who enjoyed cracking jokes and calling people amusing nicknames to tease them. 

Tony who liked it when people gave him affectionate touches. Gave him gentle hugs, kissed his forehead, played with his hair, or let him cuddle with them.

Tony who seemingly had a big ego for the sake of the press and an image, but deep down he was insecure about a lot of things. His height, his hands, the way he looked, and how there was a 'car battery' in his chest. 

Tony who didn't let anyone really touch his reactor because he was sacred at what they would do to him if he let them. If he let them into his 'heart'. 

Tony who let Steve touch the reactor. 

Tony who let Steve break the reactor. 

Tony who Steve loved. 

"Who would I be..." Steve started, his voice was a whisper now, afraid someone other than Tony's ghost would hear, "-if I had not loved you." He felt his heartthrob at his statement and a sob stopping in his throat. He drew a breath and "How would I know what love is?" 

He recalled the time he first saw a gay couple. How he was shocked and confused at the sight but in a good way. He didn't think it was strange that two people of the same gender could be so in love, but rather it was strange to him that two people of the same gender were allowed to display their love in such a way. So he decided to ask the only person he thought would understand and know: Tony. 

He remembered how he told Tony what he saw and how Tony laughed and shook his head, eyes closed and nose scrunched. "Yeah, people can love whoever they want now. Which I think is stupid because people should have been able to love whoever they wanted since the beginning of time." 

He remembered how Tony admitted to him at he'd always liked guys and gals, how the press really just focused on him and all the pretty girls. He remembered being shocked that Tony would let him know such a thing because when Steve was alive it was never a good idea to tell anyone that you were queer. But in the moment, Tony seemed totally fine with telling Steve he was bisexual and in the moment Steve outed himself to Tony, blurting out a very embarrassing, "I like men too!"

Tony just laughed and patted Steve's shoulder, nodding, "I like men too, Capsicle."

And since then Steve was better at letting people know he wasn't as straight as America would have liked their national icon to have been. Steve was confident in liking guys and gals. No one could stop him.

Steve found himself smiling at the memory, the feeling of acceptance warming up his insides. His tears stopped being so messy and he wasn't shaking anymore, his breath steady. He thought about how Tony would have laughed at Steve now and told him to get a hold of himself.

"God only knows, too soon I'll remember your...faults." Steve chuckled, sniffing and wiping his eyes, "Meanwhile it's just tears and schmaltz..." He shook his head and stood up slowly on his shaking legs, "There are no answers, but..." he sighed and looked up at the sky, swallowing, "What would I do...If you have not been my friend?"

He lowered his head and let the silence wash over him as he rocked back and forth, arms wrapped around his chest.

"Steeb...?" A small voice called out. 

Steve didn't react at first to the small voice. Instead, he drew a shaky breath, hugging himself tighter and squeezing his eyes shut. He refused to look, refused to respond. He knew it was childish and stupid, but he couldn't help it. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to be with Tony again. 

He felt a small touch on his leg and he inhaled sharply and forced himself to look. He opened his eyes slowly and met the gaze of Morgan Stark. She looked worried for the Captain and Steve realized she had Tony's eyes.

"Steeb?" She tried again, her hand on his leg, pulling on a small bit of fabric on his pants.

He sighed and kneeled down to her height, giving her a small smile. "Hey, kid." He felt awkward about it, having only had a handful of encounters with her. Not sure how he should handle this. How he could handle this? She was only five, she'd only known her dad for such a long time. And Steve didn't think it was fair. It wasn't fair that she had to lose him. He just hoped she knew what a great dad she had. "D-did you need something?" He finally managed to get out.

She looked at Steve with a frown and shook her head. She then threw her arms around him in a big hug, burying her face into his chest. Steve froze at the gesture for a split second, but he was soon quick to hug her back, holding her close and gently, knowing she needed a hug. The poor kid. 

Steve found himself crying again. Small tears streamed down his cheeks and Morgan seemed to sense that because she pulled away and looked at him. Steve all of a sudden felt embarrassed to be crying in front of the young girl, he was Captain America for crying out loud, literally, and here was a little girl, who had just lost her dad, but she wasn't crying. No. She actually looked concerned for Steve and it made his heartache. "Are you crying for my daddy?" She asked in a quiet voice. 

Steve wiped his eyes and nodded, "Y-yeah," he let out a small sigh and tried to give her a smile to reassure that he was okay, "Morgan I'm so sorry..." He pulled her in for another hug, both of them needing it. 

When he pulled away Morgan looked at him and shook her head, "Don't be sorry...Mommy said that Daddy's okay now. And I want Daddy to be okay." She took Steve's hand and held one of his fingers with her small hand, "And Daddy would probably want you to be okay too." 

He couldn't help but chuckle a bit, "I guess...Yeah, your daddy would probably want that, huh...?" She was awfully wise for her age, but she was also a Stark, so Steve figured that wasn't too big of a surprise for him. 

"Morgan," Steve started, feeling only a little bit weird to call her that, but she didn't seem to mind, "Your daddy was probably the bravest man I knew." 

"I know." She said simply. 

Steve grinned, "You do?"

She nodded, "Yeah." 

Steve sighed in relief, his tears finally ceasing, leaving his eyes heavy, swollen, and red. "Good...I'm glad you know." 

They stood there in silence for a bit, Steve squating to her height as Morgan held onto his finger, leaning into his chest as they both looked out at the lake. It was peaceful and quiet, both of them enjoying it very much. 

"Daddy talked about you a lot." Morgan finally said, her gaze out on the still waters of the lake. This startled Steve a bit, he blinked and turned his head away from the lake to look at her, eyebrow raised, 

"He did?"

She nodded slowly, not turning to look at him, "Yeah. He told me stories about you at bedtime."

Steve smiled a bit, "What kind of stories?" The thought of Tony maybe telling Morgan stories about Siberia or how she should never trust Captain America because he was a traitor crossed his mind, making him frown and feel very guilty all of a sudden. 

"Only the good ones." She answered. She then yawned and rubbed her eyes, turning to face Steve now, "Mommy sent me to come and get you. She said it was too cold outside for you to be standing around. But then I saw you were sad and I forgot what Mommy had said." She paused and then added, "Everyone else has left." 

Steve stood up, still holding onto her hand, "Oh, right. I should probably get going too..." Everyone who'd come to the funeral came and stayed for a long time, giving Pepper and Morgan their condolences, but after a while, they had their own families to get to. So one by one they started to leave, those who didn't have somewhere to get to in a rush, or who had places to go to that were far away stayed at the cabin. Steve figured he should probably leave, but he didn't know where he would go. He thought that going back to the compound would be too much for him emotionally, maybe he could instead stay at a hotel or something nearby. 

"Going where?" Morgan asked him, tilting her head to look up at him. "Mommy says you can stay." She was leaning against his leg now, clearly tired after a long and rough day. 

Steve looked down at her and then glanced back at the cabin, "Stay?"

"Mmh.." She nodded slowly, closing her eyes. 

Steve gently picked her up and held her close, like he had seen Tony done when they first came to his place to ask him about helping them figure out time travel. He pushed the memory away and started walking back towards the cabin. Morgan wrapped her small arms around his neck and buried her face into it as well, something she often did whenever her dad would pick her up, and fell asleep. 

Steve walked up to the cabin and found Pepper waiting on the porch. Her eyes were red and puffy, but when she saw the two approach she smiled softly and walked over to them. "She fell asleep?" She asked, amusement in her voice.

Steve chuckled and gave a slight nod, "It appears like it." 

The smiles between the two faltered as they noticed each others' swollen, puffy eyes from crying. 

"Oh, Steve..." Pepper said quietly, "I'm so sorry..."

Steve shook his head, "No, Mrs. Stark, I-I'm so sorry. We should have made him do it. He should have stayed here with you a-and Morgan. I'm so sorry, it was selfish of us we-"

"Steve," Pepper said rather sternly. She was now laughing quietly and shaking her head, "Steve, you don't understand. Tony...Tony wanted to do this. This was his choice, and as his friend, you should respect it...Despite it, yeah, being a stupid choice." She bit her lip and blinked back tears. "And call me Pepper. It's okay." She added. 

Steve didn't know what to say, so he stood there, holding Morgan close to him. 

"You're staying the night. In fact," Pepper started, "you can stay as long as you like. There's an extra room-"

"Mrs. S- Pepper, I can't do that." Steve stuttered out, shaking his head, "i-i'm fine, really. I'll find somewhere to stay, it's fine."

"Steve Rogers listen to me." She said, giving him a classic mom look with narrowed eyes and hands on her hips, "You aren't leaving tonight, god knows we need sometime to..to come to terms with what's happened, and there's no use in trying to do that alone."

Steve bit his lip and glanced down, knowing she was right.

"Besides," She took a step closer to him and gently took Morgan from him, carrying her in a similar manner to what he had done, "Tony left you something too...I-i put it in your room...The third door to the right, upstairs." She informed. "Please, Steve." She begged with tired eyes. 

Steve drew a breath and nodded slowly, "Okay, yeah...I-I'll stay. Thank you, Pepper." 

She nodded, "Get some rest, okay?" 

He ran a hand through his hair, giving another small nod, "Y-yeah, you too." 

She paused, looking down she almost whispered, "You know he loved you. He loved you, Steve." The words made Steve freeze and his heart race. She looked up from the ground to Steve, "He admired you...Even when you fought." Steve didn't know what to say, so instead, he kept his gaze down, feeling guilty yet again. 

It wasn't worth it. 

She gave him one last reassuring smile and turned around, carrying a sleeping Morgan into the cabin. 

He was alone on the porch now. He sighed and turned to get one last look of the lake before walking inside the cabin and heading upstairs to where Pepper had said his room was located. 

Once he found the room he paused, taking a breath before slowly opening the door and entering the room. It was a neat little room, slightly decorated, the bed nicely made and a closet and drawer for clothes. There was a window overlooking the lake outside and a coffee table with small couches surrounding it. There was a desk up against the corner with papers and pens on it, a chair pushed up against it. 

Steve closed the door behind him and stood in front of the door for a bit before slowly walking over to the bed. On his way he took off his coat and tie, tossing them over to the couches before sitting down on the edge of the bed that was facing the window. The blinds were open and the room was lit up by the moon before Steve turned on the lamp that was on the nightstand next to the bed. He sat in silence with his head in his hands, his head and heart pounding, sobs getting caught in his throat. 

"God...Tony.." He muttered, holding back a sob. 

When the words left his mouth there was beeping and Steve shot up, looking towards the sound which was coming from the coffee table. His eyes widened as the sight of a tired looking Tony Stark with a blue light surrounding him looked back at him, sitting down on the coffee table. "Hey, Steve..." Tony said in a quiet voice. 

Steve had never gotten up so fast in his entire life. He ran over to the table, nearly tripping in the process and fell to his knees, arms out to hug Tony, "Oh my god, Tony!" He repeated. Instead of feeling his arms wrap around a body, they went right through the Tony, thumping against the wooden coffee table. Steve was now on the floor, arms crossed over the table, as his head laid on top of the arms, tears starting to fall, "Tony..."

"Allow me to laugh if you tried to touch or hug me." Tony chuckled, shaking his head. "I'm a hologram, old man. I thought I taught you better..." The hologram drew a breath and let out a sad sigh, "Sorry. Probably shouldn't joke around considering I'm...dead." There was a pause, "Or else why would you be seeing this?" 

Steve spent some more time collapsed over the table before forcing himself to look up at the hologram Tony, wiping his eyes. It hurt so much to see him again, in all his glory, and to not be able to touch him, to have an actual conversation with him since it was a recording. It hurt so much. 

The hologram Tony rubbed his face as he let out a frustrated groan, "God, Steve...There's so much I want to say, so much I wish I had said but I didn't because I couldn't. And now I'm trying to say it now, but still, I can't." He removed his hands and looked up, "All those years without you and especially all those years with you...I..." Hologram Tony bit his lip, nervously snapping. 

Steve stood up and reached out to touch Tony's cheek. Of course, his hand went through, but he still stood there, arm outstretched like he was cupping his cheek. He wished he could tell Tony to relax, that he was here to listen. He wished he could tell Tony that he felt the same way. Everything that was left unsaid and everything that needed to have been said.

"Steve.." Tony finally managed to say. "I'm so so so so sorry."

Steve bit his lip and shook his head, "Oh, Tony. No, don't be sorry. It's not your fault.." Steve knew everything was his fault. Or at least in the moment he blamed himself, because in the past he never did the same.

"And don't say it's your fault." Tony sighed, "I should have never created Ultron without telling you, I should have tried harder to have listened to you. I should have tried harder to keep the Avengers together...I-I should have told you that I-" he stopped and shook his head. "I'm just sorry Steve. I know after Siberia, after the snap..." He bit his lip at the memory of those two events, "I never really apologized for everything."

"Tony, just stop. Stop. Please." Steve said, eyes closed. "None of it was your fault, please Tony. It's all mine, I-I'm the one who broke your trust, I should have listened. I should have told you. It...it..."

It wasn't worth it.

Hologram Tony was silent, and for a moment Steve was afraid it had turned off so he opened his eyes and sighed in relief when he saw Tony still sitting there, his cheek occasionally phasing through Steve's hand when he got too close. Then Steve noticed that Hologram Tony was crying. There were tears spilling from his eyes and he was shaking. Steve wanted nothing more to hug him, and he attempted another hug, despite knowing very well it wouldn't work. His arms went right through the hologram again and Steve ended up hugging himself.

"Do you regret it?" Hologram Tony said quietly. "Do you regret anything? Other than everything bad that happened between us...d-do you ever regret...me?"

Steve's heart broke at his words, at the question. He let go of himself and stepped back to see Tony. He looked hurt. His gaze was down to the floor and one hand rubbed his other arm as he bit down on his lip.

Steve didn't regret it. He didn't regret Tony at all. 

"Tony...I'd do it again." Steve said softly, his voice full of hurt over the fact that Steve had to ask such a question. "I'd like to believe that I'd do it again, and again and again..."

"What more can I say?" Both of them said at the same time. Tony more quietly than Steve.

"How am I supposed to face tomorrow?" Steve asked. He was suddenly angry, "After being screwed out of today?" He still didn't think it fair. And looking at a Tony that he couldn't touch or talk to didn't help the situation either.

"Tell me what's in store..." Steve said quietly, his thoughts going back to what Tony was doing in the afterlife. If there even was an afterlife.

Hologram Tony was looking at Steve now, a sadden expression on his face. "I wish I didn't have to do this. I wish I had the courage to say this all to your face, but I've run out of time and chances to do so. God, what I wouldn't give to tell you in person. Or to just to hold you...Like old times. Whenever we had nightmares. We were always there for each other." He smiled a bit, "Your hugs were the best, I-I felt so safe in your big, buff arms. After whatever happens today...After I...die.." there was a pause, "I just hope...That one day I could hold you again. That you could hole me again." His voice got quieter as the sentence continued.

Steve felt the same. Remembering every moment he had where they were in each other's arms, "Yes, I'd beg, steal or borrow if I could hold you..."

"If I could just hold you..." Hologram Tony was saying as well.

"For one hour more." Steve said quietly, wishing it with eyes closed.

"One hour more..." Hologram Tony repeated back to him.

Steve looked up at the Hologram Tony, who was looking right back at him with the same saddened and hopeful expression. Both of them saying, wishing for, "One hour more...One hour more."

After their wishing Tony went silent. His head fell down and he was looking at his hands which sat in his lap, nervously messing with them. He drew a breath and looked back up at Steve with tired eyes, "Steve, I don't even know if you're actually listening. If you're actually there...I-I hope you are, because I'm going to look really stupid for doing this." Hologram Tony held out his hand. "I-I know your hand will simply pass through but just...Take my hand. O-or at least try to...Please." Tony's voice was quiet and his eyes were begging. Steve, of course, couldn't say no and he reached out to take Tony's hand. Of course, his hand slipped right through, but Steve managed to make it seem like he was holding Tony's hand, ignoring the pain in his chest of the feeling of not feeling anything when he reached out for Tony.

Hologram Tony closed his hand, as if Steve had taken it, and stood up from the table, now inches away from Steve. Steve had to look down to look into the smaller man's eyes, so he couldn't help but smile a bit.

"I swear Cap if you say anything about my height I'll come back from the dead and hit you." Hologram Tony warned with playful, narrowed eyes.

Steve scoffed and shook his head, whispering, "Shortie." Maybe he did it in hopes that Tony would actually come from the dead, but he knew that was a joke. But it was worth a shot.

"I-uh.." Tony's expression shifted into a softer look, dreamy and regretful, "I realized that I taught you a lot of things...After you came out of the ice...but.." His voice trailed off. Steve stayed quiet and watched Tony closely. Tony raised his hand up and Steve followed suit, watching as Tony placed a holographic hand on his Steve's shoulder. "I realized I never actually taught you how to dance." 

Steve felt his heartbeat pick up as Tony stepped closer, the words made his vision blur with tears. The fact that he never got his dances hurt him a lot. But he could at least have this dance. Even if it wasn't Tony. Even if his hands slipped from Tony's and the hand on the waist hovered. 

"So, if you haven't already.." Tony said, looking up to meet Steve's eyes, "Put your hand on my waist." 

Steve listened, his fingers brushing against the hologram, causing it to phase right through. But Steve didn't focus on that, instead, he focused on Tony. Steve's expression was soft, a small smile as he gazed at Tony with tired, red eyes, gazed at Tony like he had done so many times in the past. Tony looked back with that classic smirk and he started to move. Steve did his best to follow, letting Holographic Tony lead. 

"The good thing about dancing with a hologram," Tony started as they waltzed around the empty, dimly litten room, "is that you don't have to worry about stepping on my feet." 

Steve let a small chuckle escape his lips at the joke, and to his surprise, he didn't step on Tony's feet as much as he thought he would. That or he was too focused on Tony, lost in his own little world. 

"I really hope you're dancing with me old man." Tony said, "Because I feel really stupid dancing with the air." Hologram Tony let out a laugh that pulled on Steve's heartstrings. He missed that laugh. And he missed that smile. Even the nearly perfect hologram couldn't capture the beauty of a happy Tony. The light in his eyes, the crinkle of lines around his mouth and eyes as he grinned or laughed. 

Steve let out a sigh, still following Tony's lead, not caring that he was also technically dancing with the air. There was so much he wanted to say to the hologram, but he knew it was no use. All of it was a recording and there was no way that the real Tony could have ever known. 

After a few minutes, Tony stepped closer to Steve, almost going through him, his head lowering to rest on Steve's shoulder as they danced closer, their steps slowing down to a small swaying motion. Steve closed his eyes and tried to recreate the feeling of Tony's touch or the feeling of Tony's head on his shoulder. Hologram Tony's eyes were also closed and Steve could hear him breathing. 

"Steve...I'm so sorry." the hologram repeated from before, "I-i should have been more honest with you. After all," He let out a bitter laugh, "You were the one I trusted the most." 

Steve felt his heart sink at those words, his eyes quickly opening to look at Tony. Tony kept his head on his shoulder, eyes still closed, but Steve could sense that in the moment Tony was pushing down a panic attack. The tears threatening to spill from his eyes as he slightly shook, his breathing pattern off. Tony trusted him. And Steve took advantage of that. Steve betrayed him after claiming to love him. Steve was a liar. 

"A-and you broke that trust." Tony finally managed out, his voice barely audible, "Steve...You broke my heart." 

At that, Steve closed his eyes and drew in a breath. "I'm so sorry Tony..." His words were quiet but sincere. 

"You broke my heart." the hologram repeated, "but...I never gave up on you. On us. I kept that stupid, outdated phone with me. I took it everywhere, hoping you'd call me. Or text me. Something..." Tony turned his head so that his face was not buried into Steve's chest. He let go of what would have been Steve's arm and shoulder, now wrapping them around his neck. Steve lowered his arm, gently placing both hands at Tony's waist, fingers tingling at the feeling of the hologram phasing through him every once in a while as they moved slowly to a song that played in their heads. "I continued to make stuff for you, hoping you'd come back. That you'd come back to the team. To me." 

Steve lowered his head, placing it on Tony's shoulder, holding it up so that he wouldn't phase completely through the slightly blue hologram. 

"I was so mad. I was so...hurt. That you'd leave me like that. Even after the letter, I couldn't-I didn't-" Hologram Tony drew a shaky breath, "After everything..." 

"It wasn't worth it." Steve finished for him in a quiet and understanding voice.

"It wasn't worth it." Tony repeated. He pulled away, arms still technically around Steve's neck, leaning back to look up at Steve, "It wasn't worth it. And I wanted to be mad. I wanted to kick your ass the next time I saw you. Wanted to kick that great, beautiful ass of yours but..."

Steve couldn't help but smile a bit, shaking his head, the two completely ceasing with their slow dancing in the middle of the room. 

"But I couldn't stay mad. I moved on. And when it happened, when we lost, we lost because we weren't together. And you promised that when we would lose, we'd do it together. But we lost. God, we lost. But we didn't do that together. When I needed you, you weren't there..." His voice was quiet again, his gaze far off, "A-and when I came back, I made sure to show you how I felt about that." 

Steve could remember it like it was yesterday. The day Tony came back. He'd raced up onto the spaceship, in hopes it was the genius. And it was. And Steve couldn't remember when a time that he felt that much relief as he did that day. And when Tony went off on him, Steve let him. Because he knew he deserved it. After breaking that promise, having no idea how much it meant to Tony. 

"I gave you my reactor because it was my heart. You already broke it, literally, in Siberia. I wanted to see if you'd do it again..." Tony admitted quietly, looking down now.

"Tony, I-i'm so sorry. I didn't know how much that promise meant to you. I should have listened. I should have understood what you were trying to do with Ultron, with the Accords. I completely ignored the fact that you're a genius. A genius who sacrificed his life to save New York all those years ago, seeing threats that we could have never imagined. I-i should have listened, Tony, I'm so sorry..." Steve's head was down now too, a few tears blurring his vision as he apologized as much as he could, despite knowing it was too late now. 

"Steve..." Tony's hands moved from Steve's neck to his face, the holographic hands cupping his cheeks, making them tingle, "I forgive you." 

Steve's head shot up, his heart skipping a beat at the thought that Tony had actually heard his apology, that maybe Tony came back. But soon he was disappointed again when his hands past right through Tony's waist. Guess it was just part of the recording. Tony was forgiving him. For everything. And Steve didn't think he deserved it. 

"I forgive you Steven Grant Rogers. I'm not fucking dying without you knowing that." His face was serious, causing Steve to crack a small, weary smile back at the hologram. "So, accept my forgiveness, please?" He ran a thumb over Steve's cheek, it passed right through a tear that managed to escape. 

Steve gave a small nod, biting down on his lip. 

"What would I do if I had not seen you?" Tony asked softly, "Who would I feast my eyes on?" He added with a small smirk, licking his bottom lip. This caused Steve to laugh silently, shaking his head in amusement at the small action. 

The mischevious look from the hologram was gone now, replaced by a saddened, yet content, look, "Once I was told, that good men get better with age..." 

"We're just going to skip that stage." Steve sniffed, shaking his head. Tony was the best of all men, and yet it was Steve who got to live? Why?

"There are no answers, but..." Steve sighed, "What would I do, if you had not been my friend?" 

"There are no answers, but what would I do?" Tony said, his head back on Steve's shoulder. To which Steve mimicked, the two standing close to each other, arms wrapped around the best they could be without completely phasing through the other. 

"No simple answers," Steve repeated, drawing his breath, "but what would I do, if you had not been my friend?" He was shaking now, and he didn't care at this point. For a third time, he tried to hug the holographic Tony, resulting in him completely phasing through and hugging himself once more, "My friend...my friend." He repeated, refusing to cry anymore, despite the tears threatening to fall. 

He stood there in silence, afraid again that the recording had stopped and that Tony was gone. But when Steve opened his eyes, Tony was still there. He had a far off, dazed look, tears streaming down his face, his arms dropped to his sides. 

Steve let go of himself and stepped back, raising his hand to cup Tony's cheek to the best of his ability. And if by some miracle or magic, the hologram seemed to know what Steve was doing and leaned into the simple touch. Steve adjusted his hand so that Tony didn't phase through him again, rubbing his cheek with his thumb. The hologram sighed, slowly raising his hands up to Steve's hand and placing them on top of it. Steve watched carefully as they took his hand as if holding it, and Steve moved it when Tony's hands moved towards his mouth. Steve's breathing hitched when he realized what Tony was doing. The hologram placed a small kiss on Steve's palm, leaving it tingling and his head spinning. 

"I loved you, Steve. But you gotta move on." The hologram said quietly, still holding onto his hand. "Promise me you'll move on." Tony lowered his hands but didn't let go. Steve lowered his hand with Tony's and stepped closer. His heart was beating at his words, and those tears from earlier began to fall as Steve made sense of his words. "I know you, Cap." Tony chuckled lightly, "But you've got to move on. Please don't let my death stop you from living your life. We...we had our chance, but..." He trailed off and then shook his head, "Maybe in another timeline." 

Timeline...Timeline. 

Steve's eyes widened and he used his other hand to wipe the tears frantically. Another timeline. That's what he could do. Use the time machine to enter another timeline. Where Tony was alive. Where Tony was his. 

"Not in this timeline." Tony shook his head, "You've gotta live your life, Steve. I know you'll miss me." He smirked smugly, despite the mournful look in his eyes, "There's going to be a lot of manful tears."

Steve chuckled and rolled his eyes. He was about to say something when the hologram leaned in and gently kissed his cheek. Steve froze, eyes widening slightly as he felt his face heat up. He knew it was stupid, it was a hologram. But he couldn't help but actually feel that kiss. So he leaned in and attempted to kiss the hologram and to his surprise and delight, the hologram was kissing back. 

Of course, if Steve leaned in more, he'd phase through Tony's head, and of course, he couldn't feel anything. All there was was the tingle of hologram Tony's lips phasing through his own. But Steve could imagine what it would have felt like, had Tony been there. But it wasn't enough.

"I hope you were kissing back." the hologram said after a bit, stepping back from Steve, "Because me kissing the air was probably a sight to see." He had an amused look in his eyes that made Steve laugh and reach out for his hand. 

"I love you, Steve," Tony said, looking at Steve with a soft expression, "I always have." 

"I-i love you too Tony," Steve responded, not feeling silly about it at all, over the fact that it was a hologram and not Tony. "A-and I miss you. I miss you so much." 

The hologram reached out one more time, giving Steve a reassuring and encouraging smile, "I know you're going to miss me. I know it's going to hurt, but don't worry big guy. Just go live your life. It's what I want for you. Now, go get that dance." 

There was the same beeping noise from when the hologram first appeared and Tony started to fade away. His eyes were closed and he let out a breath, stepping forward to press another delicate kiss to Steve's lips. 

"Goodbye Steve..." 

"Goodbye Tony..."

And Steve was alone again. 

But as much as it hurt. As much as Steve wanted to fall to his knees and cry out until he had no more tears left. Steve couldn't help but smile a bit, bringing his hand up to his lips, gently running his fingers over them. He was going to miss Tony. And it was going to hurt. But he was also going to listen to Tony's words. And now that he knew Tony loved him and forgave him after everything that happened, Steve could move on. 

And the next day...

Steve got both his dances.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey ya'll! Hope you enjoyed that 'little' one-shot of mine! 
> 
> I've had this idea on my mind ever since I watched Endgame because I thought the song was so fitting for Steve after Tony's funeral. 
> 
> The song is from an amazingly beautiful musical called 'Falsettos' and it's one thing that's made me seriously sob because it's just so wonderful. And I personally think that the story and some songs, like this one, fit Steve and Tony really well. 
> 
> So if you're looking for a fun, gay, depressing musical to listen to then go ahead and give Falsettos a try! 
> 
> You won't regret it!


End file.
